User:Kargon

Monster Profile: Kargon

Excerpt from the Journal of Trank, Drow Sorceress Extraordinaire

Having once had a fateful encounter with Kargon, I felt compelled to share with the rest of Stormreach what I learned, in the hopes that mishaps such as my own can be avoided in the future.

It was supposed to be a fresh start. Stormreach had recently opened its borders to those of us who hail from the Drow race. A new city with new opportunities, plenty of work for those of us seeking to make a name for ourselves or increase our stores of treasure, even if at a certain level of risk. Having just arrived, I completed various tasks in order to assure the local authorities of my talents, and I was directed to find my first task at a local bar run by a man named Sigmund. After clearing some nastiness out of the poor fellows basement, he was most grateful, and went into his private stores to find me a sample of a rare delicacy known as ‘Tasty Ham’. I obviously should have paid more heed to his warning to ‘be careful where you eat that!’ but how was I to know how dangerous a mere ham could be?

Finding myself a comfortable seat out in the open I unwrapped my treat, but as soon as I set in to enjoy it, the most terrifying sound I have ever heard emanated from a nearby sewer grate. Words fail to describe this haunting call accurately, but the closest I can manage is to describe a dragons roar crossed with a donkey braying and a wildman’s death gurgle.

The grate literally exploded outward in a shower of metal fragments, and something HUGE came shambling towards me at incredible speed. Even though my first instinct was to turn and run, I knew there would be no escape from this unstoppable force that was closing in on me by the fraction of a second, so I did the only thing any sane sorceress would do in this situation: I cast a fireball at it.

While my aim was true and the fireball struck my target squarely in the head, this turned out to be the biggest mistake I could have possibly made. Rather than injure, or even slow down the monstrosity heading towards me, rather the beast seemed to pick up speed and made a sound similar to laughter somehow twisted and also mixed with a scream of rage. I had only a split second before I was struck by what felt like a Maul swung by a Hill Giant and I, my pursuer, and the Tasty Ham were all smashed through a nearby guardrail overlooking a steep drop near the Leaky Dinghy Tavern, and I must have passed out on impacting the wooden walkways below.

When I began to come to, the first thing I noticed was a horrible tearing, crunching, slurping sound, which caused me to spring to my feet. Or attempt to anyway, as I immediately collapsed due to a splitting headache from landing on the unforgiving planks I was now laying on.

This display was met with a most curious response.

‘Hahahah, Silly sorcermermer! Not even abamle stand up after trip over tiny stairs. Ahh. That the stuff. Kargon gratefumul for Tasty Ham.’

Sorcermermer? Gratefumul? Kargon? OF COURSE! I had thought them only rumors, but clearly this Kargon I had only heard guarded whispers of truly did exist! Since he no longer seemed hostile, I decided to take my chances and ask this Kargon if I could get a biography of his lifetime, as I have quite an interest in the local creatures inhabiting Stormreach.

‘Biogra… biogromama…what silly sorcermermer want??’

Fortunately, Kargon understood the words ‘Life Story’ and seemed only too happy to ramble on and on about himself. Following is a collection of the more coherent stories Kargon told me that day.

Creature Name: Kargon

Creature Type: Unknown. Various unconfirmed claims have been put forth that Human bane, Monstrous Humanoid bane, Aberration bane, and Greater Idiot bane have been marginally effective when facing Kargon in battle.

Environment: Anywhere. Kargon is recently known to be found wandering around Stormreach in broad daylight, and often also shows up in any of the nearby areas common to adventurers.

Attack: Giant Sword, Bastard Sword, or other attacks possible

Special: Rage, Face Bash, Spell Faceblock*

Organization: Solitary. Only one known to exist.

• Kargon is known to have such a tough face, that various spells have simply fallen apart rather than inflict any effect upon Kargon when they strike his face directly. Some spells are even rumored to reflect off of his face, either back onto the spellcaster or possibly at anyone else in the vicinity.

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So when Kargon first get to Stormmareach, first quemest Kargon does, after some silly trainaming quemests involvaming Kargon blocking golem fist with Kargon face until golem break apart, are Watermaworks. Of course, first thing in that quemest is an acimid trap, so Kargon do only obvimious thing to do: Kargon plug acid trap with head.

And that story of how Kargon became bald. Felt very tingly, Kargon regremet nothiming!

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After Kargon been in Stormmareach for few days Kargon feel like somemathing missiming. Then Kargon figure it out! Kargon missiming fearsome thememasong! So, Kargon go to get a fearsome thememasong only way Kargon know how. First, Kargon find nearamest halflaming bard. Then, Kargon demand halflaming bard write Kargon fearmasome thememasong. Kargon know this the trickimiest part, so before bard give any answamer, Kargon grab bard. Then Kargon shake bard for long time. When Kargon finimish shake bard, bard quicklamally write Kargon fearmasome thememasong! Kargon fearmasome thememasong go like this:

Kargoooon, the Barbariaaaaaaan, Kargoooon, Warrior without fear! Hes smashed lizards tails and hunted quails, and slain rats both far and neaaaaar!

Kargoooon, the Barbariaaaaaaan! Kargoooon, Warrior with no Peer! He swings and wiffs, and he falls off cliffs, and he drinks a lot of Beeeeeeer!

Kargoooon, the Barbariaaaaaaan! Kargoooon, Warrior with an ugly Leer! He stinks and smells and he can't cast spells, and on his face sewage he did smeeeear!

Kargoooon, The Barbariaaaaaaan! Warrior at whom peasants Jeer! When they bounce a stone off of his chrome dome, and he falls upon his Reeeear!

Kargoooon, the Barbariaaaaaaan! Kargoooon, Warrior who can barely heeeear! He got kicked in the loins by a thief stealing his coins, and the rogue also bit off his eeeear!

Kargoooon, the Barbariaaaaaaan! Kargoooon, Warrior who fills teammates with dreeeear! He runs off on his own and gets broken every bone, and complains that the cleric's not heeeere! Kargoooon, the BarbariaaaaAAAN!

Kargon still not understamand why somematimes party tell Kargon silly halflaming bard have last laugh. Kargon find bard, Kargon shake bard, bard write song for Kargon, Kargon win! --- One of Kargon favorimite hobby pass time waiting for silly party are block firemaball with Kargon face. Kargon like pain. Kargon also find handy have clerimic around, reattamach Kargon face to Kargon head aftermawards. Kargon alwamays blocking silly thing with face, like ogre fist and torch thrown by villamager mistake Kargon for troll, or broomstick of woman mistake Kargon for… well Kargon not know what woman think Kargon are, but apparamentamally they not like it. But most fun of all are block firemaball with face! Make big ringing in Kargon ears, sound silly, and make Kargon warm and toasty even on cold day adventermar… adventamarin… even on cold day running around in sewamers smash bad guys.

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Kargon used to do many quemests without wear any armormer. More pain and fun that way. But after while peopamul not want team up with Kargon any more, and Kargon decided comprimimise. Kargon first thought was maybe Kargon smell, so Kargon start taking monthamally baths in black puddiming monstamers. No quickamer way burn off few layamers of dirt than burn of few layamers of skin with it! But even after that, Kargon still smell somemahow, and so Kargon decided start wearaming some armormer. So Kargon found a dress and a circlamet to trick party into think Kargon wearaming armormer. Beside, take a REAL man go into battle wearaming a dress and a circlamet!

Kargon circlamet eventuamally become weldamed to Kargon face from block so many firemaball, and now work nice for reflectaming disintimigratimion rays back at castermer. At least, Kargon think will work nice for reflectaming disintimigratimion rays back at castermer. So far not work so good, but that never stop Kargon before!

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One day Kargon find Kargon party facing silly warmaforged titaman. Party start explamainaming long boring stratemagy, so Kargon say ‘Hah! Kargon have plan, work evermary time!’ Kargon take off silly dress and run straight up to silly warmaforged titaman and say ‘Ok, Kargon block titaman with face, rest of party smash to tiny piecames!’ Last thing Kargon remembamer was BIIIG hammer coming at Kargon face, before Kargon got hit so hard Kargon got knock all the way back to the harbormer. Kargon even forget lots of things, have to start from levamel one all overmer!

Not realamally bothermer Kargon, but when Kargon eventuamally get strong enough face silly titan again, Kargon instead try new plan facemabash silly pillamars on top of titan for pin down before Kargon smash. Work much bettermer, but for some reasamon evermary time Kargon start swinging at knock down titan BIIIIG laser beam shoot Kargon on head. Oh well, that what clerimic for. Kargon still not know why party laughing so much evermary time Kargon get shot with silly lasermer.

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Kargon rambled on for many hours, much of which was spent angrily ranting about how ‘Smoke Cure Ham taste like smoke! Kargon want ham taste Tasty, not taste like smoke!’ but Kargon would speak so fast I could no longer understand him, all the while becoming more and more enraged. I thought it best not to risk his anger being turned on myself by asking him to slow down.